Guns, Large Breasts and Big Guns

Andy Sidaris invented Monday Night Football. His departure from it was the beginning of the end for a great weeknight sports diversion. Today Monday Night Football is an embarrassment. Boring games...drug dealing players...no talent broadcasters...and stupid social causes permeate this show no one with sanity watches. Andy Sidaris didn't fall into oblivion...he began making movies that people actually wanted to see. Featuring Playboy Playmates and other large breasted gals, Sidaris' exploitation treats spoke to many of us. Today we look at 1990's "Guns," written and directed by Mr. Sidaris.

Degas (Erik Estrada) is a South American gun runner. He sends two incompetent assassins to execute Nicole (Roberta Vasquez- Playboy Playmate). The cross dressing fools kill the wrong babe. Now Nicole and her partner, Donna (Dona Speir- Playboy Playmate) head to Vegas where Degas has set up operations. They bring fellow secret agent hunks with them, including Bruce (Bruce Penhall). Bruce and Nicole will enjoy some pre-marital sex on Bruce's motorcycle. Assassins are dispatched immediately and Donna takes them out with a portable anti-aircraft cannon...yes! Our secret agent babes join more members of their babe-team which include a nightclub singer, Edy (Cynthia Brimhall- Playboy Playmate) and oil wrestlers. Now Nicole and Donna take the fight to Degas.

Babes will begin to die horribly has Degas is bent on their elimination. The good babes fight back and many of Degas' babes will die horribly. In one classic scene...good babe Edy will invade the bath of Degas' assassin GF (Devin DeVasquez- Playboy Playmate) and murder her. Degas will kidnap babe Attorney General (Phyllis Davis) and slap her around a bit. As Degas lures Nicole and Donna into a trap, gratuitous nudity, pre-marital sex, and oil wrestling will grace the screen. Degas and his men have some big guns, but Donna has that guided missile launcher thing which she now plans to use at close range.

Will Nicole and Donna prevail or will Degas string them up and slap them, just like he did to the babe Attorney General? What kind of special talents does one need to have passionate pre-marital sex on a motorcycle? What happens when blood spatter when it is mixed with silicone splatter? This is a fun one and Andy Sidaris succeeded in making some pleasing sexploitation. Instead of watching the irrelevant and socially deviant National Football League, enjoy a more fun brand of deviance, "Guns." 

The Women of Inferno Island, Nude Women Tortured and Loving It

Women in prison films. Who likes them? Schmucks like us who make this country work. Who doesn't like them? Dr. Fauci and Birx...anyone at the CDC...the U.S. Congress...the U.S. Supreme Court...TV and newspaper media...celebrities...in other words...blokes who try to keep us common folk down. Well us common folk are proud of our movie tastes so today we look at 1980's "The Women of Inferno Island" (aka "Caged Women"), directed by Erwin C. Dietrich. So while CDC mad scientists and politicians watch Meryl Streep or Cate Blanchett films, we watch movies that were made to be enjoyed.

Eurotrash all the way! A human rights commission is investigating the prisons of some 3rd world dictatorship. These prisons contain hot Eurobabes and sell them to rich folks (like CDC mad-scientists) and congressmen. Carla (Karine Gambier) is the warden and brings the babes to an abandoned prison on Rat Island to hide them from any inspectors. Three brothel workers, Rita (Brigitte Lahaie), Rosi (Nadine Pascal), and Lisa (France Lomay) are arrested and sent to Rat Island. Before their arrests we get some nice scenes of their #@&^$@s and also plying their sexual prowess...European style. Now prisoners, they are stripped, hosed off, probed by a pervert doctor, and raped by guards every night. Uh oh...they enjoy the rapes and get off on them. Lisa catches the attention of Warden Carla and is summoned and the two have a lot of lesbian sex...both enjoy it.

Whippings and more rape occur. Carla orders all clothes confiscated...not that anyone was using them, anyway. Now Carla summons the perverted doctor for a full probing exam...she is pronounced healthy. To move the plot along, our trio of prisoners figure they will escape. The nude inmates will jump around a lot, scale rocks, frolic in the surf, and skinny dip. Carla, meanwhile, enjoys intimate baths with the country's president and plenty of heterosexual and lesbian sex with any one who happens to be within 100 miles.  

Will our naked trio make it off Rat Island and be able to resume their prostitution careers? Will the rapist guards follow them? Will Carla ultimately be the new president of this miserable country? Nudity, torture, rape, whippings, and skinny-dipping permeate this film. For all of you elites out there congregating in four star French restaurants...stay away from our movies and be satisfied with the no-talent-preachy Hollywood A-List films. For a very satisfying movie experience, see "The Women of Inferno Island" and ask yourself...just how important are clothes?

The Dallas Connection, Playboy Playmates Seduce and Blow Up Things

Playboy Playmate models, all with large silicon breast jobs, seducing, firing guns, and blowing up things. On occasion, a catfight will develop. Oh yes, a lot of pre-marital sex in hot-tubs, in beds, or anywhere else. Add in some bondage, some exotic dancing, and a lot of hunks for them to seduce and tie up. Yep, today we look at 1994's "The Dallas Connection," directed by Drew Sidaris. International intrigue, assassinations, seductions, and steamy sex with large breasted women in hot-tubs will guide us through this film.

Black Widow (Julie Strain) is a dominatrix and heads a criminal organization bent on world destruction. She opens the film with a dominatrix routine that sees her murdering a French scientist in Paris. Her cohorts are Playboy Playmates Cobra (Julie K. Smith) and Scorpion (Wendy Hamilton). They also assassinate top world scientists. Their goal is to collect four computer chips in order to steal a satellite that can trace...well, trace something important...please don't pressure me for details. The cover for this trip is a Dallas strip club where we see some nice exotic dance routines, gratuitous showers, and topless frolicking. On the case is I/WAR, which stands for...well, something. Their top three agents are vixen Samantha (Samantha Phillips), hunk Chris (Bruce Penhall) and hunk Mark (Mark Barriero).

Samantha must guard hunk scientist Morales (Rodrigo Obregon). She'll give us an alluring lingerie seduction scene as the two have dessert. Meanwhile, Black Widow sends Cobra after Mark. The two will have steamy hot-tub pre-marital sex. Scorpion will go after Chris. She'll strip and...well, you'll see but a stun gun will be used. Meanwhile Black Widow will beat up Samantha and take her prisoner. Black Widow will order her men to rape Samantha. Fear not, Chris and Mark recover and head to the secret hide-out where Black Widow, her gals, and a two-timing Morales have Samantha prisoner. They are ready to activate the satellite that does something really important. Machine guns, bombs, and cat-fights will result in people blowing up, babes being pummeled, and silicon implants jiggling. 

Will Samantha have a final knock down drag out cat-fight with Black Widow? Will Mark and Chris get to punish Scorpion and Cobra for what they did to them? Will mud or Jell-O be utilized along with the bombs and machine guns in bringing in the conclusion of this film? Big on silicon implants, explosions, and hot-tub sex, "The Dallas Connection" is a film you must see this holiday season...Merry Christmas.

The Female Bunch, Sadistic Cowgirls

Sadistic cowgirls who ride horses, wear cowboy boots and spurs, shoot guns, partake in deviant sex with hunks and babes, and run drugs! Perfection is given to us by B movie/exploitation maven Al Adamson in 1971's "The Female Bunch." When cowgirls behave badly, exploitation fans pay attention. Throw in some whippings, rape, and a lot of nudity and we have a perfect film for the holiday season.

Sultry cocktail waitress Sandy (Nesa Renet) attempts suicide after the lounge singer she loves dumps her. The sultry Libby (Regina Carrol), an exotic dancer, saves her and recruits the beset waitress to join a man-hating, deviant gang. After a juvenile initiation, Sandy is part of this group which is housed at a desert ranch. Grace (Jennifer Bishop) leads the gang and she enjoys all sorts of sex. Her buddy Dennise (Leslie McCrea) helps Grace shoot up and provides some steamy lesbian sex. Flying in from Europe is Sharon (Sharyn Wynters). Sharon funds the group and oversees its drug running operations across the Mexican border. The gals get frisky a lot and ride into Mexican border towns for a lot of sex and drugs with the local hunks.

These Mexican excursions provide the gang with drugs. Uh oh, all the heterosexual sex with swarthy and sweaty Mexican hunks can get addictive. When Dennise smuggles some guys to the ranch for sex...Grace gets upset...jealous? Now the gals torture and mar these guys. Uh oh again, the lone guy on the ranch is Monty (Lon Chaney, Jr.). Monty is a former stuntman who desires sex with Grace. Grace strings him along...this won't end well. Now Sandy is not hating men as much as she did when she first joined the gang and seeks an escape from them. As Grace and Sharon keep shooting up and having a lot of sex with anything that moves, the leadership of the gang gets more unstable and vicious. As Sandy decides to try to escape, it is apparent that Grace and Sharon won't allow anyone to leave alive. 

There will be a lot of crazy sex scenes (both lesbian and heterosexual). There will be a lot of violence. There will be a lot of misogyny. Beautiful women will be shirtless as they sweat a lot. Yep...pure early 1970s drive-in exploitation! Forget about the big Hollywood releases this Christmas season and see some real actresses in "The Female Bunch."

Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg, Sadist Vixen with a Whip

Eurotrash sexploitation! A 'woman in prison' film. Just who are these fans of 'women in prison' films? Other than us, that is. Teachers, clergy, elected officials, gynecologists, prison guards, inmates...to be brief, a cross-section of society. Sure, they don't admit it...but they love these films. Today we examine a French film, 1978's "Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg."  This film is directed by Patrice Rhomm. Our nymphomaniac Helga (Malisa Longo) will come at us with a heaping amount of S & M, and BDSM. Not that you want to see any of that.

A revolution is going on. Helga is sent to Stilberg Prison to be the warden. The prison inmates are all beautiful women suspected of being loyal to the rebels. Helga goes around in tight leather pants, a loose satin blouse, and a whip. She whips the inmates and watches guards rape them. She gets off on watching the guards rape the inmates. Oh yes, she picks her favorites. Lucky inmates are summoned to Helga's bedroom where they bathe with her, are whipped by her, and made love to by the deviant warden. Some like it, some don't. Then, Elisabeth (Patrizia Gori) is sent to the prison. She is the daughter of the rebel leader, and quite a babe.

Helga will have Elisabeth raped. When she refuses lesbian sex with her, Helga has her strung up and whipped...and raped some more. Then a good natured guard (Richard Allan) recommends to Elisabeth that she allow Helga to use her as a sex toy. Elisabeth, not wanting to be whipped anymore, then goes to Helga in her bedroom, apologizes, and bathes and has sex with her. Uh oh...Elisabeth likes it. Helga likes it. They frolic, they kiss, they snuggle...until Helga learns Elisabeth is planning an escape. Now its back to hard labor for Elisabeth and Helga takes her whip to the rest of the prisoners. Now, as Helga satisfies herself in bed and has other prisoners brought to her, Elisabeth goes forth with escape plans.

Did the whippings and torture help Elisabeth to become fond of Helga? What percentage of the prisoners enjoyed the whippings by the dominatrix-babe warden? What will happen to Helga if the prisoners revolt and end up in her bedroom as an angry mob? Clue: You'll find out. For a prurient and fun time on movie night, see "Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg." Oh, here is an idea for a film maker searching for an original idea..."Helga vs. Ilsa: S&M Catfight."    

No Contest, Beauty Pageant Babes in Peril

The death scene of Miss Philippines (Joanna Bacalso) is one of the most iconic death scenes ever put on film. The evening gown clad beauty turned fireball, shooting through the air, was such a beautiful thing to see. Then when the sultry ex-Miss Galaxy (Shannon Tweed), described in the film as "a Bruce Lee with boobs," blows up Miss Germany (Chandra West)! Ah, true poetry. Yes, today we look at 1995's "No Contest," directed by Paul Lynch. Never have so many evening gown clad ladies been in this much peril. A bit of trivia about "No Contest." This exploitation film was the inspiration for much of the plot of my novel, The Himalayan Devil Woman. 

Miss France (Julie Armstrong) has just won the Miss Galaxy Pageant. As Sharon (Tweed) places a tiara on her beautiful head, a terrorist leaps onto the stage. Oz (Andrew Dice Clay) blows Miss France away and takes the the other five finalists, and hostess Sharon hostage. A group of terrorists take over the luxury hotel, and now Oz has the babes in the penthouse suite. He and his cohorts, which include Roddy Piper, beat them up, steal their jewelry, and place bombs on their wrists. Miss USA (Polly Shannon) is a hostage. Her dad's wealth is the ransom target. Miss Germany (West), also a hostage, is actually Oz's gal. Uh oh for the terrorists. Sharon, since winning the pageant, has become an action hero in the movies. She is adept at martial arts. As the beauties are beset, one of the terrorists takes Sharon to the pool for some rape. Bad move.

Sharon turns ninja, pummels the thug, escapes, and gets the bomb off her wrist. Now she can communicate with security guy Crane (Robert Davi). They will fall in love. Now Sharon crawls through air vents and sees Oz and Miss Germany finishing up steamy sex. She'll use her wrist band to blow up the fiendish beauty. Oh yeah, Miss Philippines panics and runs for freedom. Her wristband bomb will send her propelling through the air brighter than July 4th fireworks. Now Sharon takes it to the remaining thugs, but Oz is incredibly sadistic. Miss Canada (Bridget Griggs) is used to lure Sharon back to the penthouse. She'll be butchered if Sharon doesn't return for execution. Meanwhile the police raid the building and several dozen of them will be mowed down by Uzi wielding terrorists. It is up to Sharon to save the surviving finalists, kill Oz, and revive her movie career.

This is a heartbreaking film if you are a fan of swimsuit or evening gown clad pageant babes. Shannon Tweed is excellent as the kick-ass heroine fighting to survive the symbols of beauty and purity in our lands. Still, deep questions are posed: Did Miss France really deserve the title over the more stylish and elegant Miss Canada? Was Miss England's manicure appropriate for representing the Queen and her subjects, or is she just a skank? Is the fiery demise of Miss Philippines symbolic of the end of innocence in an island nation battling terrorism and western influence? "No Contest" is one of the greatest films ever made and if you haven't seen it...shame on you!

Caged Fury, Lingerie Babes in Prison

Lingerie babes sent to a women's prison! Lingerie babes raped by a dominatrix/lesbian warden in a hot tub. Lingerie babes forced to group perform in a shower for the amusement of lesbian and sadistic guards. Lingerie babes pummeled by other lingerie babes...I could go on. 1990's "Caged Fury" is our feature today. This film directed by Bill Milling is gratuitous and prurient...so be warned. We don't see enough movies of lingerie babes strung up, raped, pummeled, and humiliated. Warning...Erik Estrada is in this!

The film begins with a lingerie babe (Kascha) trying to escape a weird women's prison. Clad in a thong and a white lace bra, she's captured and given to a monster guard for whatever he wants to do with her. Later, the sultry Kat (Roxanna Michaels) travels to Hollywood to make it as an actress. Uh oh, she ends up in this women's prison instead. She'll immediately be raped by Warden Cyndi Thorn (Mindi Miller) and her probation arbiter. She'll be beat up by her fellow babe inmates, Her one friend, Rhonda (April Dawn Dollarhide) will get similar treatment. Lesbian guards and the sadistic Spyder (Gregory Scott Cummins) will add to the torture of these sultry inmates.

Help may be on the way. In looking for her sister, Tracy (Elena Sahagun) will find herself in this prison. Now the warden and Spyder are able to torture and rape the sister-combo of Kat and Tracy. Uh oh...Kat finds out that many of the babe inmates are being torn apart or having their throat cuts. Yep, no one gets out of this joint alive. Okay, the sultry Tracy failed to bust her sister out...but never fear...Erik Estrada is on the way. Actually, the CHiPs star sends his buddy...really. Now all out war will break loose and dozens of lingerie babes will be mowed down by lunatic guards even before the fight begins.

Is Victoria's Secret or Fredericks of Hollywood the #1 choice for the female California prison population? Just what will the dominatrix/lesbian warden make Kat and Tracy do? Is it true that Lori Laughlin is already writing the re-make of this classic film? Prurient and in bad taste. Many ravishing damsels will die so horribly after rape and humiliation. Still, there is a frivolity about this film that makes it a wonderful movie watching experience. Stop caring what your friends think, see "Caged Fury."