Blackwater, 'Gator Bait-Lite

 'Gator Bait-Lite is a good description of our feature today. In fact, the sultry McCayne Blomberg definitely had the Claudia Jennings thing going on as she trudged through the Florida swamp in some very short shorts. Perhaps this is "Charley's Angels" meets "The Most Dangerous Game." Either way, we have four beauties, all with really nice legs who sweat a lot. When McCayne Blomberg grabs a dagger, soars through the air, and stabs a swamp rapist a dozen times...well, it was such a beautiful thing. Today we look at 2007's "Blackwater," directed by Bill Schreiber and R. Douglas Zipperer.

Four beautiful city women decide to go camping in the Everglades. They all have perfect tans, make-up application, and pearl whit teeth. Their potential swamp fiend rapists smell bad, have ugly teeth, and have never seen women as sultry as these four. Angie (Georgia Chris) is a divorcee who carries a mean crossbow...yes! Now that's a woman! Megan (Amy SImon) who gives us a nice shower and lingerie scene, is a recent widow determined to make it home to her daughter safely. Kat...well...think Claudia Jennings. Then Brooke (Jenny Robinson), the pretty blonde will be the first object of desire for the rapist/killers.

As the three swamp fiends attack Brooke and Kat, all looks bleak. Their smelly man organs probably have swamp moss on them. Angie and her crossbow come to the rescue. With one shot, Bubba (Raymond Scoggins), yes Bubba, is skewered. The four babes flee deeper into the Everglades. Now swamp fiends Tuck (Tony Salsberg) and Bear (John Kyle) pursue. The poor ladies, this is not their territory. The fiends catch up and fire a shotgun round into Angie's beautifully tanned leg. Now the three are chased deeper into the Everglades as their crossbow woman is disabled. Megan man's up and grabs a shotgun and a new attitude. Kat, oh yes, no spoilers here, but her flying dagger attack on Bear is so priceless. All out war between the four city babes and the smelly swamp fiends is such beautiful cinema.

Do our feisty femmes have any shot at getting out of the Everglades alive? Do Bear and Tuck plan to kill the babes, or impregnate them to further on their miserable seed? How about this Kat babe, and her Claudia Jennings heroics...why doesn't anyone put her in more swamp woman exploitation films? For a frivolous movie watching experience where four sultry dolls are put in much peril from smelly swamp fiends, watch "Blackwater."

To the Limit, The Mob, The CIA, and a Naked Anna Nicole Smith

A complicated plot that may be more enjoyable if you don't try to understand it. Yes, we have a naked Anna Nicole Smith satisfying herself in showers, baths, and wild sex...but we also have gunfights, a massacre at a wedding, a naked oily Asian babe-assassin, and more gratuitous nudity. Today we feature 1995's "To the Limit." Tom Clancy became a bore as Hollywood co-opted him...so here is a tale of renegade spies and the nymphomaniacs that love them. 

Frank (Joey Travolta) is at the altar with his bride Lupe (Rebecca Ferratti). A hit team arrivers and massacres everyone. Simultaneously, Colette (Smith) is satisfying herself in a gratuitous bath scene just before she has wild sex with a CIA guy (Michael Nouri). The assassinations continue as the CIA guy is blown up and Colette is wounded. Uh oh for the bad guys, Frank recovers. Uh oh again for the bad guys...Colette recovers. Frank is a mob guy and the entire mob is now bent on revenge...as is CIA operative Colette. Oh yeah...the bad guy...CIA maniac Jameson (Jack Bannon).

More assassins, including a pretty nurse and an Asian UNLV babe will continue the carnage. As Frank and the mob fight back, Jameson is also on the run. Colette and Frank, old friends, will meet up to kill attacking assassins and have some wild post-marital sex. I guess neither one believed in long periods of mourning. A full blown war between the mob and Jameson will see a lot of gunfights, car chases, and gratuitous nudity. Uh oh...as Colette and Frank team up, there is indication that perhaps their trust in each other is misplaced.

Exactly what does Jameson want? You know, the film goes into this but do yourself a favor and ignore this plot device. If Anna Nicole Smith starred in some of these Tom Clancy bore-athons instead of Harrison Ford, would we actually want to watch those over rated films? With the gratuitous nudity and self-satisfaction of Anna Nicole Smith as plot devices...does it really matter if Colette ends up being the 'good-guy' or 'bad-guy'? For some excitement featuring gratuitous nudity, explosions, and gunfights...enjoy this Richard Martino film, "To the Limit." 

Rage to Kill, Nude Coeds Win Revolution

It was such a beautiful thing to behold. A maniacal Oliver Reed hovering over a mansion. Laughing hysterically, as he watches bikini babes sunning by the pool. He then mows them all down with a machine gun. No, not the sequel to "Ordinary People," but the epic war film..."1988's "Rage to Kill."  Gritty 1980s reality will be thrown at us in the form of sultry coeds in gratuitous aerobic scenes, nude shower scenes, and pre-marital sex scenes. For you ladies, the shirtless and sweaty James Ryan will grunt a lot. 

American racecar driver Blaine (Ryan) heads to a small Caribbean island where General Turner (Reed) has overthrown the weak government. At stake is Blaine's brother, the worthless Glenn (Liam Cundill). Blaine is captured immediately, stripped of his shirt, made to sweat, and grunts while being tortured. He'll escape and join up with CIA agent Miller (Cameron Mitchell). Meanwhile, the General's forces invade the medical college and invade the women's shower and aerobics classes. Blaine goes there too and recruits some nubile babes to help him overthrow the evil General. Sultry reporterette Trishia (Maxine John) will also be brought there. She's worthless to the plot except when she strips and has passionate pre-marital sex with Blaine in the island surf.

Uh oh...General Turner has Soviet nuclear missiles delivered to the island. Meanwhile, the babe medical students, Blaine, and CIA agent Miller hook up with a benign rebel force headed by Willie (Henry Cele).  There will be partying, dancing, love in the surf...and then a full frontal assault on General Turner's forces. The coeds and the reporterette will look quite alluring as they clutch and fire machineguns. Now Blaine grunts more, Miller yells more, and Willie yaps about the price of freedom (Yawn!). All out war ensues and the beautiful perform brilliantly and Blaine will sweat nicely. 

Explosions, nudity, and grunting will be propelled at you in this dramatized version of President Reagan's liberation of Grenada. Oliver Reed is fantastic as the evil general and it is nice to see him in threesomes, whether it be in a jacuzzi or in bed. Those of you who are fortunate to have seen "Kiana's Flex Appeal" will appreciate the gratuitous aerobics class portrayed in this film. For some gratuitous fun and gritty reality, see "Rage to Kill," directed by David Winters.

Warrior Queen, Eruptions and Virgins

What exactly was going on in Pompeii in 79 A.D., before Mount Vesuvius erupted? Can a virgin be raped more than once? Important questions. As Mount Rainier gets ready to bury Seattle and as sorority girls attempt to redefine virginity, we will take a look at a Sybil Danning (not a virgin) film, 1987's "Warrior Queen."

Queen Berenice (Danning) is coming to visit Pompeii...the Cleveland of the Roman Empire. Her convoy will be attacked by highwaymen and she will kill all the attackers. Yep...bad a** queen. She'll arrive and instantly be bored and repulsed by her host Clodius (Donald Pleasance) and his neglected and nymphomaniac wife Philomena (Samantha Fox). Captured slaves then arrive in Pompeii for auction. Virgin Vespa (Tally Chanel) is everyone's darling and will have some gratuitous and humiliating nude scenes. Male and female, everyone who sees Vespa rapes her. Still, the virgin Vespa holds out hope for the right man. Enter Marcus (Rich Hill), a charioteer. Vespa wants him and he wants the virgin. So does everyone else and Vespa will continue being groped and raped. Berenice will take pity on Vespa and try to help her. Meanwhile, the love starved Philomena also desires Marcus.

Marcus desires many women, but not Philomena. Berenice often rises to the aid of slave girls being raped and groped by killing their attackers. Goliath (Marco Tullio Cau), a brute charioteer arrives and rapes the virgin Vespa, setting up a deadly showdown with Marcus. Berenice tries to help Vespa and so does slave beauty Veneria (Suzanna Smith). Veneria will also be raped a lot, but there are no virgin claims from her. Uh oh...Mount Vesuvius is rumbling. As the dueling charioteers fight for the virgins they lust for, and as Berenice murders Roman rapists, complete ruination of a misogynistic and brutal civilization may be imminent.

Just how long can the sultry and erotic Vespa hang on to the 'virgin' tag? Is the depiction of the Mount Vesuvius eruption a prescient foretelling of next year's Mount Rainier eruption that will bury Seattle? Did Roman queens really look like Sybil Danning? For a lot of cheese and beef, with some gratuitous and brutal plot devices, enjoy "Warrior Queen," directed by Chuck Vincent. 

Joyride to Nowhere, Grade C Exploitation

What happens when low budget is even more low budget...a C movie is born. The good thing about C grade exploitation films...they are like pizza. Pizza, hot and juicy, or cold and soggy...its all good. Forget the budget, two pretty young ladies, car chases, fast cars, car crashes, explosions, and damsels in much peril, hence we have 1977's "Joyride to Nowhere."

Pretty high school student Cindy (Sandy Alan) has a problem. The clean cut blonde had a one night affair with a soldier. Now she's pregnant. She bumps into her pretty friend, the wild Leah (Leslie Ackerman). The wild child is running away to Los Angeles. Leah is escaping abusive parents. Cindy fears telling her dad about her pregnancy, so she joins Leah in running away. Cindy steals her dad's car and the gals take off with hardly any money. The car dies and the gals turn to hitchhiking. A pervert picks them up and gropes them. Cindy is naïve, but Leah is smart beyond her years. Leah's cunning gets them out of jams and usually enables the gals to abscond with wallets of the men who try to beset them.

After more hitchhiking they arrive at a dinner club. Local crime-lord Tank (Mel Welles) sees them and has to have them. He takes the girls home and only Cindy's cunning prevents him from soiling them. Now they trick Tank, steal his fat wallet, and car. Uh oh...Tank's car has $2 million in stolen loot in it. Now the vicious Tank and all his minions are after Cindy and Leah. No rest for the weary as anyplace they seek refuge has perverts seeking to engage in sex with them. Leah remains positive but Leah's pregnancy is producing sickness and complications. Tank and his army, along with cops are close behind. With Cindy and Leah out front, car chases and  explosions fill up the last third of the film. Cars will crash. Cars will fly into boats. Cars will explode.

Warning...this will have quite the controversial ending. If this film had a bigger budget and wider release, it may have been banned. The ending is not going to make everyone happy, though the intention of the filmmakers (Mel Welles and Ronald C. Ross) probably wasn't to make any social statements. Gritty, exciting, and heartbreaking, "Joyride to Nowhere" is a film that needed Claudia Jennings and a bigger budget...but the C grade nature of it is endearing. 

Vampire Ecstasy, Nude Lesbian Vampires

What can a candle shaped as a penis and a cucumber both be used for? If you know the answer...shame on you. If you don't, then I have a film for you. Yep, over 100 minutes of nude lesbian vampires dancing around, having lesbian sex, and shoving cucumbers and candles up there...well...you know. An inch away from pornography, if that, and very gratuitous, this is Euro-Trash at its most extreme. Directed by Joseph W. Sarno, from Germany, 1973's "Vampire Ecstasy" (aka "The Devil's Plaything").

Over 400 years ago the Baroness Vargas was burned by village babes after she tried to put them all under her spell. Too bad, the Baroness was a vampire, and no one thought to drive a stake into her. Her spirit lives on at her castle. Housekeeper Wanda (Nadia Henkowa) is actually a demonic priestess taking care of the spirit. Nadia summons two of the Baroness' descendants, Helga (Marie Forsa) and Monika (Ulrike Butz). These two nubile babes will fall under the Baroness' spell immediately and masturbate a lot and also shove candles up their...well, you know. Also arriving is Dr. Julia (Anke Syrino) and her brother Peter (Nico Wolforstettler). The brother and sister have a penchant for sensually kissing each other. Their car broke down and they find refuge at the castle.

Julia figures out right away who Wanda is and that she desires to put the Baroness' spirit into the body of Helga or Monika. Helga continually masturbates in the film, thus Peter falls in love with her.  Helga and Peter have a lot of premarital sex and Julia increasingly desires sex with her brother, too. As Wanda and her band of lesbian vixens dance and satisfy themselves with anything that will snugly fit into their...well, you know... the Baroness' spirit grows restless. Julia tries to mount a defense against the resurrection of the centuries old vampire, but having sex with her brother Peter seems to get in the way.

Is there any stopping the Baroness' resurrection in the body of either Monika or Helga? Will 100 minutes of nude beauties fondling and satisfying themselves get tiresome to the discerning viewer? Will Julia have sex with her brother, and/or put an end to the vampire coven? This is one of the most sexually gratuitous films you will ever see. For a good stroking of your prurient interests, see "Vampire Ecstasy" and avoid cucumbers on your next salad.

Girls Guns and Blood, Sultry Hookers in Much Peril

Today we have the best grindhouse exploitation film of the past ten years. Yep, beautiful hookers who love what they do and, oh yes, they will do so much in this film. They will ply their trade, get pummeled, get humiliated, and finally...get vengeance. Beware...as fun and titillating as 2019's "Girls Guns and Blood" is, our lovelies will be put in mortal danger and won't be immune from dying horribly, themselves.

Monique (Rebecca Love) is boss of The Dreams Come True Ranch (brothel). She arranges a private party for friends of a crime-lord. They will have big money to spend. The gals get all dolled up and are excited. Uh oh...the party, headed by Jamie (James W. Evermore) will rob the brothel and kill some of the beauties. The girls get owned and knocked out. Kitty (Christine Nguyen) gets chloroformed, Angel (Cody Renee Cameron) and Trix (Britney Amber) will have their heads smashed together giving oral sex, and Beretta (Kleio Valentien) will be drugged while being owned. The gals should've known better and when they awake, some of the sultry colleagues are quite dead.

Jamie and his gang get away with the mobster's loot. The four surviving hookers need to get it back.

The four set out with guns, bows and arrows. Dressed in alluring but trashy leather and cleavage enhancing attire, the gals are aided by a tracking device on Jamie's pick-up. One by one they will find the gang. They will rape one of the bad guys to death on their way to Jamie. Uh oh...as fun as this film is, not all the vengeful whores will survive. Over confidence can be a killer and some of the beauties will perish. Uh oh again...more is going on than appears. As the gals get closer to Jamie, they will find there are more dangers than just the thugs who robbed and murdered at their brothel.

Will any of our darlings survive the evil gang? Will there be any make-out scenes between our avenging hookers? Who will inflict more torture and humiliation...Jamie's gang or Monique's surviving angels? This film has some allure, gratuitous nudity, deviant sex, and heartbreaking killings. For some prurient fun and hooker carnage, enjoy "Girls Guns and Blood," directed by Thegin German and Robert Rowland...and take heart...a sequel may be in their grand scheme.