Guns, Large Breasts and Big Guns

Andy Sidaris invented Monday Night Football. His departure from it was the beginning of the end for a great weeknight sports diversion. Today Monday Night Football is an embarrassment. Boring games...drug dealing players...no talent broadcasters...and stupid social causes permeate this show no one with sanity watches. Andy Sidaris didn't fall into oblivion...he began making movies that people actually wanted to see. Featuring Playboy Playmates and other large breasted gals, Sidaris' exploitation treats spoke to many of us. Today we look at 1990's "Guns," written and directed by Mr. Sidaris.

Degas (Erik Estrada) is a South American gun runner. He sends two incompetent assassins to execute Nicole (Roberta Vasquez- Playboy Playmate). The cross dressing fools kill the wrong babe. Now Nicole and her partner, Donna (Dona Speir- Playboy Playmate) head to Vegas where Degas has set up operations. They bring fellow secret agent hunks with them, including Bruce (Bruce Penhall). Bruce and Nicole will enjoy some pre-marital sex on Bruce's motorcycle. Assassins are dispatched immediately and Donna takes them out with a portable anti-aircraft cannon...yes! Our secret agent babes join more members of their babe-team which include a nightclub singer, Edy (Cynthia Brimhall- Playboy Playmate) and oil wrestlers. Now Nicole and Donna take the fight to Degas.

Babes will begin to die horribly has Degas is bent on their elimination. The good babes fight back and many of Degas' babes will die horribly. In one classic scene...good babe Edy will invade the bath of Degas' assassin GF (Devin DeVasquez- Playboy Playmate) and murder her. Degas will kidnap babe Attorney General (Phyllis Davis) and slap her around a bit. As Degas lures Nicole and Donna into a trap, gratuitous nudity, pre-marital sex, and oil wrestling will grace the screen. Degas and his men have some big guns, but Donna has that guided missile launcher thing which she now plans to use at close range.

Will Nicole and Donna prevail or will Degas string them up and slap them, just like he did to the babe Attorney General? What kind of special talents does one need to have passionate pre-marital sex on a motorcycle? What happens when blood spatter when it is mixed with silicone splatter? This is a fun one and Andy Sidaris succeeded in making some pleasing sexploitation. Instead of watching the irrelevant and socially deviant National Football League, enjoy a more fun brand of deviance, "Guns." 

The Women of Inferno Island, Nude Women Tortured and Loving It

Women in prison films. Who likes them? Schmucks like us who make this country work. Who doesn't like them? Dr. Fauci and Birx...anyone at the CDC...the U.S. Congress...the U.S. Supreme Court...TV and newspaper media...celebrities...in other words...blokes who try to keep us common folk down. Well us common folk are proud of our movie tastes so today we look at 1980's "The Women of Inferno Island" (aka "Caged Women"), directed by Erwin C. Dietrich. So while CDC mad scientists and politicians watch Meryl Streep or Cate Blanchett films, we watch movies that were made to be enjoyed.

Eurotrash all the way! A human rights commission is investigating the prisons of some 3rd world dictatorship. These prisons contain hot Eurobabes and sell them to rich folks (like CDC mad-scientists) and congressmen. Carla (Karine Gambier) is the warden and brings the babes to an abandoned prison on Rat Island to hide them from any inspectors. Three brothel workers, Rita (Brigitte Lahaie), Rosi (Nadine Pascal), and Lisa (France Lomay) are arrested and sent to Rat Island. Before their arrests we get some nice scenes of their #@&^$@s and also plying their sexual prowess...European style. Now prisoners, they are stripped, hosed off, probed by a pervert doctor, and raped by guards every night. Uh oh...they enjoy the rapes and get off on them. Lisa catches the attention of Warden Carla and is summoned and the two have a lot of lesbian sex...both enjoy it.

Whippings and more rape occur. Carla orders all clothes confiscated...not that anyone was using them, anyway. Now Carla summons the perverted doctor for a full probing exam...she is pronounced healthy. To move the plot along, our trio of prisoners figure they will escape. The nude inmates will jump around a lot, scale rocks, frolic in the surf, and skinny dip. Carla, meanwhile, enjoys intimate baths with the country's president and plenty of heterosexual and lesbian sex with any one who happens to be within 100 miles.  

Will our naked trio make it off Rat Island and be able to resume their prostitution careers? Will the rapist guards follow them? Will Carla ultimately be the new president of this miserable country? Nudity, torture, rape, whippings, and skinny-dipping permeate this film. For all of you elites out there congregating in four star French restaurants...stay away from our movies and be satisfied with the no-talent-preachy Hollywood A-List films. For a very satisfying movie experience, see "The Women of Inferno Island" and ask yourself...just how important are clothes?

The Dallas Connection, Playboy Playmates Seduce and Blow Up Things

Playboy Playmate models, all with large silicon breast jobs, seducing, firing guns, and blowing up things. On occasion, a catfight will develop. Oh yes, a lot of pre-marital sex in hot-tubs, in beds, or anywhere else. Add in some bondage, some exotic dancing, and a lot of hunks for them to seduce and tie up. Yep, today we look at 1994's "The Dallas Connection," directed by Drew Sidaris. International intrigue, assassinations, seductions, and steamy sex with large breasted women in hot-tubs will guide us through this film.

Black Widow (Julie Strain) is a dominatrix and heads a criminal organization bent on world destruction. She opens the film with a dominatrix routine that sees her murdering a French scientist in Paris. Her cohorts are Playboy Playmates Cobra (Julie K. Smith) and Scorpion (Wendy Hamilton). They also assassinate top world scientists. Their goal is to collect four computer chips in order to steal a satellite that can trace...well, trace something important...please don't pressure me for details. The cover for this trip is a Dallas strip club where we see some nice exotic dance routines, gratuitous showers, and topless frolicking. On the case is I/WAR, which stands for...well, something. Their top three agents are vixen Samantha (Samantha Phillips), hunk Chris (Bruce Penhall) and hunk Mark (Mark Barriero).

Samantha must guard hunk scientist Morales (Rodrigo Obregon). She'll give us an alluring lingerie seduction scene as the two have dessert. Meanwhile, Black Widow sends Cobra after Mark. The two will have steamy hot-tub pre-marital sex. Scorpion will go after Chris. She'll strip and...well, you'll see but a stun gun will be used. Meanwhile Black Widow will beat up Samantha and take her prisoner. Black Widow will order her men to rape Samantha. Fear not, Chris and Mark recover and head to the secret hide-out where Black Widow, her gals, and a two-timing Morales have Samantha prisoner. They are ready to activate the satellite that does something really important. Machine guns, bombs, and cat-fights will result in people blowing up, babes being pummeled, and silicon implants jiggling. 

Will Samantha have a final knock down drag out cat-fight with Black Widow? Will Mark and Chris get to punish Scorpion and Cobra for what they did to them? Will mud or Jell-O be utilized along with the bombs and machine guns in bringing in the conclusion of this film? Big on silicon implants, explosions, and hot-tub sex, "The Dallas Connection" is a film you must see this holiday season...Merry Christmas.

The Female Bunch, Sadistic Cowgirls

Sadistic cowgirls who ride horses, wear cowboy boots and spurs, shoot guns, partake in deviant sex with hunks and babes, and run drugs! Perfection is given to us by B movie/exploitation maven Al Adamson in 1971's "The Female Bunch." When cowgirls behave badly, exploitation fans pay attention. Throw in some whippings, rape, and a lot of nudity and we have a perfect film for the holiday season.

Sultry cocktail waitress Sandy (Nesa Renet) attempts suicide after the lounge singer she loves dumps her. The sultry Libby (Regina Carrol), an exotic dancer, saves her and recruits the beset waitress to join a man-hating, deviant gang. After a juvenile initiation, Sandy is part of this group which is housed at a desert ranch. Grace (Jennifer Bishop) leads the gang and she enjoys all sorts of sex. Her buddy Dennise (Leslie McCrea) helps Grace shoot up and provides some steamy lesbian sex. Flying in from Europe is Sharon (Sharyn Wynters). Sharon funds the group and oversees its drug running operations across the Mexican border. The gals get frisky a lot and ride into Mexican border towns for a lot of sex and drugs with the local hunks.

These Mexican excursions provide the gang with drugs. Uh oh, all the heterosexual sex with swarthy and sweaty Mexican hunks can get addictive. When Dennise smuggles some guys to the ranch for sex...Grace gets upset...jealous? Now the gals torture and mar these guys. Uh oh again, the lone guy on the ranch is Monty (Lon Chaney, Jr.). Monty is a former stuntman who desires sex with Grace. Grace strings him along...this won't end well. Now Sandy is not hating men as much as she did when she first joined the gang and seeks an escape from them. As Grace and Sharon keep shooting up and having a lot of sex with anything that moves, the leadership of the gang gets more unstable and vicious. As Sandy decides to try to escape, it is apparent that Grace and Sharon won't allow anyone to leave alive. 

There will be a lot of crazy sex scenes (both lesbian and heterosexual). There will be a lot of violence. There will be a lot of misogyny. Beautiful women will be shirtless as they sweat a lot. Yep...pure early 1970s drive-in exploitation! Forget about the big Hollywood releases this Christmas season and see some real actresses in "The Female Bunch."

Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg, Sadist Vixen with a Whip

Eurotrash sexploitation! A 'woman in prison' film. Just who are these fans of 'women in prison' films? Other than us, that is. Teachers, clergy, elected officials, gynecologists, prison guards, inmates...to be brief, a cross-section of society. Sure, they don't admit it...but they love these films. Today we examine a French film, 1978's "Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg."  This film is directed by Patrice Rhomm. Our nymphomaniac Helga (Malisa Longo) will come at us with a heaping amount of S & M, and BDSM. Not that you want to see any of that.

A revolution is going on. Helga is sent to Stilberg Prison to be the warden. The prison inmates are all beautiful women suspected of being loyal to the rebels. Helga goes around in tight leather pants, a loose satin blouse, and a whip. She whips the inmates and watches guards rape them. She gets off on watching the guards rape the inmates. Oh yes, she picks her favorites. Lucky inmates are summoned to Helga's bedroom where they bathe with her, are whipped by her, and made love to by the deviant warden. Some like it, some don't. Then, Elisabeth (Patrizia Gori) is sent to the prison. She is the daughter of the rebel leader, and quite a babe.

Helga will have Elisabeth raped. When she refuses lesbian sex with her, Helga has her strung up and whipped...and raped some more. Then a good natured guard (Richard Allan) recommends to Elisabeth that she allow Helga to use her as a sex toy. Elisabeth, not wanting to be whipped anymore, then goes to Helga in her bedroom, apologizes, and bathes and has sex with her. Uh oh...Elisabeth likes it. Helga likes it. They frolic, they kiss, they snuggle...until Helga learns Elisabeth is planning an escape. Now its back to hard labor for Elisabeth and Helga takes her whip to the rest of the prisoners. Now, as Helga satisfies herself in bed and has other prisoners brought to her, Elisabeth goes forth with escape plans.

Did the whippings and torture help Elisabeth to become fond of Helga? What percentage of the prisoners enjoyed the whippings by the dominatrix-babe warden? What will happen to Helga if the prisoners revolt and end up in her bedroom as an angry mob? Clue: You'll find out. For a prurient and fun time on movie night, see "Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg." Oh, here is an idea for a film maker searching for an original idea..."Helga vs. Ilsa: S&M Catfight."    

No Contest, Beauty Pageant Babes in Peril

The death scene of Miss Philippines (Joanna Bacalso) is one of the most iconic death scenes ever put on film. The evening gown clad beauty turned fireball, shooting through the air, was such a beautiful thing to see. Then when the sultry ex-Miss Galaxy (Shannon Tweed), described in the film as "a Bruce Lee with boobs," blows up Miss Germany (Chandra West)! Ah, true poetry. Yes, today we look at 1995's "No Contest," directed by Paul Lynch. Never have so many evening gown clad ladies been in this much peril. A bit of trivia about "No Contest." This exploitation film was the inspiration for much of the plot of my novel, The Himalayan Devil Woman. 

Miss France (Julie Armstrong) has just won the Miss Galaxy Pageant. As Sharon (Tweed) places a tiara on her beautiful head, a terrorist leaps onto the stage. Oz (Andrew Dice Clay) blows Miss France away and takes the the other five finalists, and hostess Sharon hostage. A group of terrorists take over the luxury hotel, and now Oz has the babes in the penthouse suite. He and his cohorts, which include Roddy Piper, beat them up, steal their jewelry, and place bombs on their wrists. Miss USA (Polly Shannon) is a hostage. Her dad's wealth is the ransom target. Miss Germany (West), also a hostage, is actually Oz's gal. Uh oh for the terrorists. Sharon, since winning the pageant, has become an action hero in the movies. She is adept at martial arts. As the beauties are beset, one of the terrorists takes Sharon to the pool for some rape. Bad move.

Sharon turns ninja, pummels the thug, escapes, and gets the bomb off her wrist. Now she can communicate with security guy Crane (Robert Davi). They will fall in love. Now Sharon crawls through air vents and sees Oz and Miss Germany finishing up steamy sex. She'll use her wrist band to blow up the fiendish beauty. Oh yeah, Miss Philippines panics and runs for freedom. Her wristband bomb will send her propelling through the air brighter than July 4th fireworks. Now Sharon takes it to the remaining thugs, but Oz is incredibly sadistic. Miss Canada (Bridget Griggs) is used to lure Sharon back to the penthouse. She'll be butchered if Sharon doesn't return for execution. Meanwhile the police raid the building and several dozen of them will be mowed down by Uzi wielding terrorists. It is up to Sharon to save the surviving finalists, kill Oz, and revive her movie career.

This is a heartbreaking film if you are a fan of swimsuit or evening gown clad pageant babes. Shannon Tweed is excellent as the kick-ass heroine fighting to survive the symbols of beauty and purity in our lands. Still, deep questions are posed: Did Miss France really deserve the title over the more stylish and elegant Miss Canada? Was Miss England's manicure appropriate for representing the Queen and her subjects, or is she just a skank? Is the fiery demise of Miss Philippines symbolic of the end of innocence in an island nation battling terrorism and western influence? "No Contest" is one of the greatest films ever made and if you haven't seen it...shame on you!

Caged Fury, Lingerie Babes in Prison

Lingerie babes sent to a women's prison! Lingerie babes raped by a dominatrix/lesbian warden in a hot tub. Lingerie babes forced to group perform in a shower for the amusement of lesbian and sadistic guards. Lingerie babes pummeled by other lingerie babes...I could go on. 1990's "Caged Fury" is our feature today. This film directed by Bill Milling is gratuitous and prurient...so be warned. We don't see enough movies of lingerie babes strung up, raped, pummeled, and humiliated. Warning...Erik Estrada is in this!

The film begins with a lingerie babe (Kascha) trying to escape a weird women's prison. Clad in a thong and a white lace bra, she's captured and given to a monster guard for whatever he wants to do with her. Later, the sultry Kat (Roxanna Michaels) travels to Hollywood to make it as an actress. Uh oh, she ends up in this women's prison instead. She'll immediately be raped by Warden Cyndi Thorn (Mindi Miller) and her probation arbiter. She'll be beat up by her fellow babe inmates, Her one friend, Rhonda (April Dawn Dollarhide) will get similar treatment. Lesbian guards and the sadistic Spyder (Gregory Scott Cummins) will add to the torture of these sultry inmates.

Help may be on the way. In looking for her sister, Tracy (Elena Sahagun) will find herself in this prison. Now the warden and Spyder are able to torture and rape the sister-combo of Kat and Tracy. Uh oh...Kat finds out that many of the babe inmates are being torn apart or having their throat cuts. Yep, no one gets out of this joint alive. Okay, the sultry Tracy failed to bust her sister out...but never fear...Erik Estrada is on the way. Actually, the CHiPs star sends his buddy...really. Now all out war will break loose and dozens of lingerie babes will be mowed down by lunatic guards even before the fight begins.

Is Victoria's Secret or Fredericks of Hollywood the #1 choice for the female California prison population? Just what will the dominatrix/lesbian warden make Kat and Tracy do? Is it true that Lori Laughlin is already writing the re-make of this classic film? Prurient and in bad taste. Many ravishing damsels will die so horribly after rape and humiliation. Still, there is a frivolity about this film that makes it a wonderful movie watching experience. Stop caring what your friends think, see "Caged Fury."

Blackwater, 'Gator Bait-Lite

 'Gator Bait-Lite is a good description of our feature today. In fact, the sultry McCayne Blomberg definitely had the Claudia Jennings thing going on as she trudged through the Florida swamp in some very short shorts. Perhaps this is "Charley's Angels" meets "The Most Dangerous Game." Either way, we have four beauties, all with really nice legs who sweat a lot. When McCayne Blomberg grabs a dagger, soars through the air, and stabs a swamp rapist a dozen times...well, it was such a beautiful thing. Today we look at 2007's "Blackwater," directed by Bill Schreiber and R. Douglas Zipperer.

Four beautiful city women decide to go camping in the Everglades. They all have perfect tans, make-up application, and pearl whit teeth. Their potential swamp fiend rapists smell bad, have ugly teeth, and have never seen women as sultry as these four. Angie (Georgia Chris) is a divorcee who carries a mean crossbow...yes! Now that's a woman! Megan (Amy SImon) who gives us a nice shower and lingerie scene, is a recent widow determined to make it home to her daughter safely. Kat...well...think Claudia Jennings. Then Brooke (Jenny Robinson), the pretty blonde will be the first object of desire for the rapist/killers.

As the three swamp fiends attack Brooke and Kat, all looks bleak. Their smelly man organs probably have swamp moss on them. Angie and her crossbow come to the rescue. With one shot, Bubba (Raymond Scoggins), yes Bubba, is skewered. The four babes flee deeper into the Everglades. Now swamp fiends Tuck (Tony Salsberg) and Bear (John Kyle) pursue. The poor ladies, this is not their territory. The fiends catch up and fire a shotgun round into Angie's beautifully tanned leg. Now the three are chased deeper into the Everglades as their crossbow woman is disabled. Megan man's up and grabs a shotgun and a new attitude. Kat, oh yes, no spoilers here, but her flying dagger attack on Bear is so priceless. All out war between the four city babes and the smelly swamp fiends is such beautiful cinema.

Do our feisty femmes have any shot at getting out of the Everglades alive? Do Bear and Tuck plan to kill the babes, or impregnate them to further on their miserable seed? How about this Kat babe, and her Claudia Jennings heroics...why doesn't anyone put her in more swamp woman exploitation films? For a frivolous movie watching experience where four sultry dolls are put in much peril from smelly swamp fiends, watch "Blackwater."

To the Limit, The Mob, The CIA, and a Naked Anna Nicole Smith

A complicated plot that may be more enjoyable if you don't try to understand it. Yes, we have a naked Anna Nicole Smith satisfying herself in showers, baths, and wild sex...but we also have gunfights, a massacre at a wedding, a naked oily Asian babe-assassin, and more gratuitous nudity. Today we feature 1995's "To the Limit." Tom Clancy became a bore as Hollywood co-opted him...so here is a tale of renegade spies and the nymphomaniacs that love them. 

Frank (Joey Travolta) is at the altar with his bride Lupe (Rebecca Ferratti). A hit team arrivers and massacres everyone. Simultaneously, Colette (Smith) is satisfying herself in a gratuitous bath scene just before she has wild sex with a CIA guy (Michael Nouri). The assassinations continue as the CIA guy is blown up and Colette is wounded. Uh oh for the bad guys, Frank recovers. Uh oh again for the bad guys...Colette recovers. Frank is a mob guy and the entire mob is now bent on revenge...as is CIA operative Colette. Oh yeah...the bad guy...CIA maniac Jameson (Jack Bannon).

More assassins, including a pretty nurse and an Asian UNLV babe will continue the carnage. As Frank and the mob fight back, Jameson is also on the run. Colette and Frank, old friends, will meet up to kill attacking assassins and have some wild post-marital sex. I guess neither one believed in long periods of mourning. A full blown war between the mob and Jameson will see a lot of gunfights, car chases, and gratuitous nudity. Uh oh...as Colette and Frank team up, there is indication that perhaps their trust in each other is misplaced.

Exactly what does Jameson want? You know, the film goes into this but do yourself a favor and ignore this plot device. If Anna Nicole Smith starred in some of these Tom Clancy bore-athons instead of Harrison Ford, would we actually want to watch those over rated films? With the gratuitous nudity and self-satisfaction of Anna Nicole Smith as plot devices...does it really matter if Colette ends up being the 'good-guy' or 'bad-guy'? For some excitement featuring gratuitous nudity, explosions, and gunfights...enjoy this Richard Martino film, "To the Limit." 

Rage to Kill, Nude Coeds Win Revolution

It was such a beautiful thing to behold. A maniacal Oliver Reed hovering over a mansion. Laughing hysterically, as he watches bikini babes sunning by the pool. He then mows them all down with a machine gun. No, not the sequel to "Ordinary People," but the epic war film..."1988's "Rage to Kill."  Gritty 1980s reality will be thrown at us in the form of sultry coeds in gratuitous aerobic scenes, nude shower scenes, and pre-marital sex scenes. For you ladies, the shirtless and sweaty James Ryan will grunt a lot. 

American racecar driver Blaine (Ryan) heads to a small Caribbean island where General Turner (Reed) has overthrown the weak government. At stake is Blaine's brother, the worthless Glenn (Liam Cundill). Blaine is captured immediately, stripped of his shirt, made to sweat, and grunts while being tortured. He'll escape and join up with CIA agent Miller (Cameron Mitchell). Meanwhile, the General's forces invade the medical college and invade the women's shower and aerobics classes. Blaine goes there too and recruits some nubile babes to help him overthrow the evil General. Sultry reporterette Trishia (Maxine John) will also be brought there. She's worthless to the plot except when she strips and has passionate pre-marital sex with Blaine in the island surf.

Uh oh...General Turner has Soviet nuclear missiles delivered to the island. Meanwhile, the babe medical students, Blaine, and CIA agent Miller hook up with a benign rebel force headed by Willie (Henry Cele).  There will be partying, dancing, love in the surf...and then a full frontal assault on General Turner's forces. The coeds and the reporterette will look quite alluring as they clutch and fire machineguns. Now Blaine grunts more, Miller yells more, and Willie yaps about the price of freedom (Yawn!). All out war ensues and the beautiful perform brilliantly and Blaine will sweat nicely. 

Explosions, nudity, and grunting will be propelled at you in this dramatized version of President Reagan's liberation of Grenada. Oliver Reed is fantastic as the evil general and it is nice to see him in threesomes, whether it be in a jacuzzi or in bed. Those of you who are fortunate to have seen "Kiana's Flex Appeal" will appreciate the gratuitous aerobics class portrayed in this film. For some gratuitous fun and gritty reality, see "Rage to Kill," directed by David Winters.

Warrior Queen, Eruptions and Virgins

What exactly was going on in Pompeii in 79 A.D., before Mount Vesuvius erupted? Can a virgin be raped more than once? Important questions. As Mount Rainier gets ready to bury Seattle and as sorority girls attempt to redefine virginity, we will take a look at a Sybil Danning (not a virgin) film, 1987's "Warrior Queen."

Queen Berenice (Danning) is coming to visit Pompeii...the Cleveland of the Roman Empire. Her convoy will be attacked by highwaymen and she will kill all the attackers. Yep...bad a** queen. She'll arrive and instantly be bored and repulsed by her host Clodius (Donald Pleasance) and his neglected and nymphomaniac wife Philomena (Samantha Fox). Captured slaves then arrive in Pompeii for auction. Virgin Vespa (Tally Chanel) is everyone's darling and will have some gratuitous and humiliating nude scenes. Male and female, everyone who sees Vespa rapes her. Still, the virgin Vespa holds out hope for the right man. Enter Marcus (Rich Hill), a charioteer. Vespa wants him and he wants the virgin. So does everyone else and Vespa will continue being groped and raped. Berenice will take pity on Vespa and try to help her. Meanwhile, the love starved Philomena also desires Marcus.

Marcus desires many women, but not Philomena. Berenice often rises to the aid of slave girls being raped and groped by killing their attackers. Goliath (Marco Tullio Cau), a brute charioteer arrives and rapes the virgin Vespa, setting up a deadly showdown with Marcus. Berenice tries to help Vespa and so does slave beauty Veneria (Suzanna Smith). Veneria will also be raped a lot, but there are no virgin claims from her. Uh oh...Mount Vesuvius is rumbling. As the dueling charioteers fight for the virgins they lust for, and as Berenice murders Roman rapists, complete ruination of a misogynistic and brutal civilization may be imminent.

Just how long can the sultry and erotic Vespa hang on to the 'virgin' tag? Is the depiction of the Mount Vesuvius eruption a prescient foretelling of next year's Mount Rainier eruption that will bury Seattle? Did Roman queens really look like Sybil Danning? For a lot of cheese and beef, with some gratuitous and brutal plot devices, enjoy "Warrior Queen," directed by Chuck Vincent. 

Joyride to Nowhere, Grade C Exploitation

What happens when low budget is even more low budget...a C movie is born. The good thing about C grade exploitation films...they are like pizza. Pizza, hot and juicy, or cold and soggy...its all good. Forget the budget, two pretty young ladies, car chases, fast cars, car crashes, explosions, and damsels in much peril, hence we have 1977's "Joyride to Nowhere."

Pretty high school student Cindy (Sandy Alan) has a problem. The clean cut blonde had a one night affair with a soldier. Now she's pregnant. She bumps into her pretty friend, the wild Leah (Leslie Ackerman). The wild child is running away to Los Angeles. Leah is escaping abusive parents. Cindy fears telling her dad about her pregnancy, so she joins Leah in running away. Cindy steals her dad's car and the gals take off with hardly any money. The car dies and the gals turn to hitchhiking. A pervert picks them up and gropes them. Cindy is naïve, but Leah is smart beyond her years. Leah's cunning gets them out of jams and usually enables the gals to abscond with wallets of the men who try to beset them.

After more hitchhiking they arrive at a dinner club. Local crime-lord Tank (Mel Welles) sees them and has to have them. He takes the girls home and only Cindy's cunning prevents him from soiling them. Now they trick Tank, steal his fat wallet, and car. Uh oh...Tank's car has $2 million in stolen loot in it. Now the vicious Tank and all his minions are after Cindy and Leah. No rest for the weary as anyplace they seek refuge has perverts seeking to engage in sex with them. Leah remains positive but Leah's pregnancy is producing sickness and complications. Tank and his army, along with cops are close behind. With Cindy and Leah out front, car chases and  explosions fill up the last third of the film. Cars will crash. Cars will fly into boats. Cars will explode.

Warning...this will have quite the controversial ending. If this film had a bigger budget and wider release, it may have been banned. The ending is not going to make everyone happy, though the intention of the filmmakers (Mel Welles and Ronald C. Ross) probably wasn't to make any social statements. Gritty, exciting, and heartbreaking, "Joyride to Nowhere" is a film that needed Claudia Jennings and a bigger budget...but the C grade nature of it is endearing. 

Vampire Ecstasy, Nude Lesbian Vampires

What can a candle shaped as a penis and a cucumber both be used for? If you know the answer...shame on you. If you don't, then I have a film for you. Yep, over 100 minutes of nude lesbian vampires dancing around, having lesbian sex, and shoving cucumbers and candles up there...well...you know. An inch away from pornography, if that, and very gratuitous, this is Euro-Trash at its most extreme. Directed by Joseph W. Sarno, from Germany, 1973's "Vampire Ecstasy" (aka "The Devil's Plaything").

Over 400 years ago the Baroness Vargas was burned by village babes after she tried to put them all under her spell. Too bad, the Baroness was a vampire, and no one thought to drive a stake into her. Her spirit lives on at her castle. Housekeeper Wanda (Nadia Henkowa) is actually a demonic priestess taking care of the spirit. Nadia summons two of the Baroness' descendants, Helga (Marie Forsa) and Monika (Ulrike Butz). These two nubile babes will fall under the Baroness' spell immediately and masturbate a lot and also shove candles up their...well, you know. Also arriving is Dr. Julia (Anke Syrino) and her brother Peter (Nico Wolforstettler). The brother and sister have a penchant for sensually kissing each other. Their car broke down and they find refuge at the castle.

Julia figures out right away who Wanda is and that she desires to put the Baroness' spirit into the body of Helga or Monika. Helga continually masturbates in the film, thus Peter falls in love with her.  Helga and Peter have a lot of premarital sex and Julia increasingly desires sex with her brother, too. As Wanda and her band of lesbian vixens dance and satisfy themselves with anything that will snugly fit into their...well, you know... the Baroness' spirit grows restless. Julia tries to mount a defense against the resurrection of the centuries old vampire, but having sex with her brother Peter seems to get in the way.

Is there any stopping the Baroness' resurrection in the body of either Monika or Helga? Will 100 minutes of nude beauties fondling and satisfying themselves get tiresome to the discerning viewer? Will Julia have sex with her brother, and/or put an end to the vampire coven? This is one of the most sexually gratuitous films you will ever see. For a good stroking of your prurient interests, see "Vampire Ecstasy" and avoid cucumbers on your next salad.

Girls Guns and Blood, Sultry Hookers in Much Peril

Today we have the best grindhouse exploitation film of the past ten years. Yep, beautiful hookers who love what they do and, oh yes, they will do so much in this film. They will ply their trade, get pummeled, get humiliated, and finally...get vengeance. Beware...as fun and titillating as 2019's "Girls Guns and Blood" is, our lovelies will be put in mortal danger and won't be immune from dying horribly, themselves.

Monique (Rebecca Love) is boss of The Dreams Come True Ranch (brothel). She arranges a private party for friends of a crime-lord. They will have big money to spend. The gals get all dolled up and are excited. Uh oh...the party, headed by Jamie (James W. Evermore) will rob the brothel and kill some of the beauties. The girls get owned and knocked out. Kitty (Christine Nguyen) gets chloroformed, Angel (Cody Renee Cameron) and Trix (Britney Amber) will have their heads smashed together giving oral sex, and Beretta (Kleio Valentien) will be drugged while being owned. The gals should've known better and when they awake, some of the sultry colleagues are quite dead.

Jamie and his gang get away with the mobster's loot. The four surviving hookers need to get it back.

The four set out with guns, bows and arrows. Dressed in alluring but trashy leather and cleavage enhancing attire, the gals are aided by a tracking device on Jamie's pick-up. One by one they will find the gang. They will rape one of the bad guys to death on their way to Jamie. Uh oh...as fun as this film is, not all the vengeful whores will survive. Over confidence can be a killer and some of the beauties will perish. Uh oh again...more is going on than appears. As the gals get closer to Jamie, they will find there are more dangers than just the thugs who robbed and murdered at their brothel.

Will any of our darlings survive the evil gang? Will there be any make-out scenes between our avenging hookers? Who will inflict more torture and humiliation...Jamie's gang or Monique's surviving angels? This film has some allure, gratuitous nudity, deviant sex, and heartbreaking killings. For some prurient fun and hooker carnage, enjoy "Girls Guns and Blood," directed by Thegin German and Robert Rowland...and take heart...a sequel may be in their grand scheme. 

Moonshine County Express, Feisty Babes and Car Chases

Feisty Babes! Gunfights! Car chases! Moonshine! Today we look at a film highly influenced by Burt Reynolds films of the 1970s. However, here, the action and allure are ramped up a few degrees. 1977's "Moonshine County Express," directed by Gus Trikonis, has no slow moments, and every scene and line of dialog have several exclamation points. "Brady Bunch" fans will revel at Maureen McCormick's (Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!) perky performance. There's more! 1970s B movie queen Claudia Jennings is also in this and so is Burt Reynolds! Wait! No...not Burt Reynolds...but a poor man's Burt Reynolds...John Saxon!

Pap Hammer (Fred Foresman) operates a moonshine operation in the hills. His operation is wiped out by Starkey's (William Conrad) thugs. Pap is murdered, as are most of his employees. Now his three feisty daughters want revenge. Dot (Susan Howard), the real star of this film, is seething. She and her two sisters, Betty (Jennings) and 16 year old Sissy (McCormick) are beset by crime lord Starkey. He wants their land...they won't sell. This may be a moot point as the gals don't have any money...or do they? Eureka! Pap left his darlings vintage prohibition whiskey...cases of it...pure gold. Now the gals have a plan...undercut Starkey and sell better spirits to local establishments. Starkey murders anyone who does business with the gals. Enter JB (Saxon).

JB desires Dot...Dot has other things on her mind...like murdering Starkey. Still, Starkey is always two steps ahead of our three beauties and he keeps bullying them. When the threats materialize into bullets, explosions, and more gunfights, JB decides to join forces with the gals to defeat Starkey. Starkey, who loves deviant role playing sex with barely of age beauties, is a formidable foe. Still Dot is desperate to murder him and avenge her dad's death. The gals grab shotguns, ramp up their aggressiveness, and go to war. Uh oh...Starkey is ruthless and pretty little Sissy is about to find this out.

Will the three gals be able to muster enough violence to answer Starkey's homicidal intentions? Will JB and Dot forget about guns, cars, and whiskey long enough to enjoy some pre-marital sex? Wait...aren't those three things intertwined? Susan Howard and the other actresses are fantastic and in full command of the screen...no subtlety in their performances. John Saxon is terrific as a Burt Reynolds character, and William Conrad is so very dastardly as the local crime-lord. This is a loud and gratuitous one.  Enjoy "Moonshine County Express," as it  will give you your fill of car chases, gunfights, and beautiful babes. Is there really anything else we need?

Silk, Sultry Cop Mows Down Evil Men

Why call her Silk? As she tells us, "Because I'm so f***ing smooth." I figured that. She's a sultry Hawaiian cop who shoots a lot of guys, cars, and airplanes. In typical fashion, when she shoots an airplane or car...it blows up. As for being smooth? Yep...and she'll have a penchant for pre-marital sex. Perhaps the definitive statement on women in law enforcement, 1986's "Silk," directed by Filipino exploitation king, Cirio H. Santiago. Shot in The Philippines and set in Honolulu, let us take a look at what proves to be a homicidal "Charlie's Angels."

Our film begins at a standoff at some sugar factory. The bad guys are holed up inside holding the cops at bay. Then Silk (Cec Verrell) arrives. The sultry femme-cop scales the factory, shoots a bunch of bad guys, chases the ones who escape, boards a freight train and gets in a shootout with the fleeing car beside the tracks...the car blows up. Yes. Okay, a bunch of criminals are getting off thanks to a crime lord, Austin ( Peter Shilton). Austin bribes witnesses...who later are murdered. Austin then uses the dead witnesses identities for Asian criminals fleeing their home countries. No matter...Silk is on the case with police captain Tom (Bill McLaughlin). Tom is a square-jawed hunk and will have a lot pre-marital sex with Silk.

With some luck, Silk and Tom figure out what is going on. Their nemesis, Austin, is also smooth...and wants Silk dead. Silk will chase more bad guys...shoot them, sometimes in the back, and have passionate sex with police captain Tom. In 2020 this would be considered harassment by the captain, but in 1986 it was still known as carnal fun making oneself marketable for promotion. Silk will then get in more gunfights and blow up more cars and an airplane. Uh oh...Silk discovers betrayal and peril abound. Thus she'll kill more bad guys and blow up more cars...until she herself is pummeled and taken prisoner.

Will Silk prevail against a smooth nemesis and then murder him? Does Silk ever have pre-marital sex with cops who are lower in rank than her? Does she blow up cars, shoot men, and beat up criminals because police captain Tom doesn't completely satisfy her in bed? Silk never smiles but this is okay because she looks really good...and she is so f***ing smooth. For some great exploitation from The Philippines, see "Silk."

Red Venom Kills, Leather, Lingerie, and Vixens

Fans of Roger Corman's 1990s fetish spectacular "Black Scorpion" (two movies and TV show) have patiently waited for someone else to fill the void. What speaks more to us than a leather lingerie clad babe, sporting red thigh high hooker boots, and being whipped into humiliating submission by a black leather clad evil dominatrix type...okay...I need to stop...this review is getting just a bit too gratuitous. Suffice it to say, Britton Stebbins has filled the aforementioned void in giving us 2017's "Red Venom Kills." Grindhouse all the way, this sexploitation spectatular is a superhero film we actually want to watch.

Scarlet (Alexa Rae) is lounging around in red lingerie reading comic books. She has just been chewed out by her mom for being tossed out of high school for engaging in a cat-fight with 20 other naked women in the locker room shower. Her mom will be murdered and Scarlet becomes Krystal the Hooker. Krystal will be attacked and left for dead by the gang of an evil supervillain, Dark Widow (Deanna Hernandez). The black leather clad bad girl controls the criminal element in this city. Now Krystal is saved by a mystical Amazonian witchdoctor/pervert and given super powers. The hooker is now Red Venom, the aforementioned red leather lingerie vixen.

Red Venom is being sought by the obsessed and love starved detective, Thomas (Stebbins). The two will have pre-marital sex, but Red Venom will seek to destroy her nemesis by herself.  As the red fetish beauty kills many of Dark Widow's thugs, the evil nemesis sets a trap for the red beauty. The inexperienced heroine will be snared, strung up, whipped, pummeled, and toyed with. As Dark Widow moves in for the kill, Red Venom may have a trick or two to resort to. The obligatory BDSM themed cat-fight will thrill everyone.

Will a whipped and humiliated Red Venom be forced to lick Dark Widow's black boots? Will Red Venom be able to avenge the murder of her mother? Will Detective Thomas emerge from pre-marital sex with Red Venom bruised but satisfied? This is the perfect film for those of you who have been tormented by the rash of idiotic superhero films over the past decade. Britton Stebbins gives us a film, and a heroine, which we actually want...and want more of. See "Red Venom Kills" and contact Mr. Stebbins to demand a sequel.