Skyscraper, Anna Nicole Smith Dies Hard

When Anna Nicole Smith (1967-2007) died, no one said, "She died so young, we'll miss her." I think most of the world was pretty done with her. Today, most of the world is pretty done with the Jenners' and Kardashians'...though a pre-mature demise doesn't appear in the cards for them. With the obnoxious and nauseating existences of the Kardashians' and Jenners', well maybe, just maybe, we now realize that we weren't fair on Ms. Smith and her tiresome fame. Let us not forget she did give us the best "Die Hard" rip-off out there! Not even the Italians made a good "Die Hard" rip-off. Today we look at 1996's, straight-to-video, "Skyscraper."

Carrie (Smith) is a commercial helicopter pilot bringing rich guys from skyscraper to skyscraper in L.A. and Long Beach. So, of course, as the film begins, Carrie is partaking in a very gratuitous and extra long shower scene. She'll be joined in the shower by her hunk detective husband, Gordon (Richard Steinmetz). They'll then partake in a very gratuitous sex scene...then Carrie will prance around in some skimpy white undies. Okay, some suave terrorist, Fairfax (Charles Huber) hires her. Eventually Fairfax has her bring him to a certain skyscraper. Carrie doesn't know that he and his merry band of terrorists plan to take over the tower. Well, the terrorists kill a lot of people, cops, security guards, office workers, etc and Carrie is now on the run in the tower.

Carrie will do what Bruce Willis did in "Die Hard," and many scenes were lifted right out of "Die Hard." Oh yeah, unlike Bruce Willis, Carrie will be raped by a terrorist. Fear not, she'll send her rapist out a skyscraper window to his death. She'll be chased, bloodied, slapped, and agitated. She'll respond by killing terrorists. When her husband responds to the carnage in the tower, the two of them will fight the terrorists. There will be a couple more gratuitous love scenes, in which Carrie and husband will roll around completely nude.

What exactly do the terrorists want? I don't remember, and who cares? Is there any truth to the accounts that Bonnie Bedelia had similar gratuitous love and nude scenes but they were cut from the final version of "Die Hard"? If Anna Nicole Smith had made more gratuitous exploitation films instead of marrying some old rich guy, would we now be celebrating her life? "Skyscraper" is sleazy trash, but the kind of sleazy trash we like. For those looking for a  guilty pleasure, see "Skyscraper."

Captive Factory Girls 2: The Revolt," Sweaty Babes in Much Trouble

Japanese sexploitation! We don't admit we enjoy these films...but we do. Given the choice of a Cate Blanchett or Meryl Streep film, we'll pass and instead choose one with sweaty and half naked Asian damsels being tortured and humiliated. Why? Are we perverts or misogynists? Or are we just honest in confessing our preference? Does it matter? Hence we take a look at 2007's "Captive Factory Girls 2: The Revolt" (aka "Kankin Kojo: Hangyako no Amazones-tachi").

Azusa (Ai Sayama) is radiant in her job as an...eh...escort...at a...eh...gentlemen's club. She is given to 'gentlemen' to make them feel good. One night she breaks up the rape of her friend...mistake. Azusa now must be punished. She is sent to be a slave laborer in a gun factory that caters to underworld organizations. She'll sweat a lot and most of the sweat will drip down her cleavage. She'll be gang raped by guards and pummeled in bath-tub cat-fights. Perhaps a metaphor of Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood or Bill Clinton's internship program.

Naomi (Nitsuki Asada) is the head slave laborer. She takes a liking to Azusa. This riles Yuri (Rino Konno). Yuri sees Asuza as the cause of all of them getting punished. Yuri will attack Asuza a lot and rip her clothes off. Asuza will be strung up for torture and rape after Naomi escapes. The factory bosses believe Asuza knows of the escape. Now Naomi, another slave babe Yoko (Nana Otone) unite to plan an escape. Uh oh...the factory bosses aren't stupid. Betrayal, more gang rape, and more sweaty cleavage awaits.

Will any of the sweaty damsels escape from their slave labor? Is the depiction of brutal and misogynistic slave labor atrocities a prescient foretelling of what Amazon has become under Jeff Bezos? Although you will love this movie, are you going to tell anyone about it? For a film that will tickle your prurient interests, see "Captive Factory Girls 2: The Revolt."

Beautiful Blonde Actresses Die Horribly

Beautiful blonde actresses don't always have more fun, as Fay Wray did in "King Kong." Of course, Ms. Wray survived her abduction by an amorous gorilla. Many of the sultry blondes we know and love met gruesome fates...some, over and over again. Here is a tribute to some of my favorite blonde actresses and their fatal performances.

Janet Leigh: Knifed in the shower by Norman Bates. She was nude and vulnerable. Perhaps "Psycho" was a morality tale as Ms. Leigh's character had just stolen a lot of cash from her employer.

Taaffe O'Connel: In 1981's "Galaxy of Terror," Ms. O'Connel portrays space-babe Dameia. She'll be stripped, slimed, and brutally raped by a giant maggot. Oh what a fate...the film almost received an X rating as the censors detected that Dameia actually enjoyed the experience.  Wait...there's more. As a sultry nurse in white in 1980's "New Year's Evil," she is a frisky angel-in-white. When she decides to have pre-marital sex with the slasher...she is knifed several times...hence her nifty white uniformis stained blood red.

P.J. Soles: A good friend of Laurie Strode in "Halloween," she probably should have picked her friends better. Michael Myers will off her on Halloween night in that classic. The unfortunate beauty would be strangled by a telephone cord (the days before cell phones).

Kristi Angus: The sultry bikini babe in 2006's "Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep," is grabbed by a giant squid, pulled overboard, and eaten by that beast. So sad. However, as Adrienne in "Jason X," she is a med student on board a spaceship, who will die one of the most memorable deaths in horror film history. She will have her head frozen as Jason dips it into a vat of liquid nitrogen, and then shattered when Jason slams it against the floor. No longer a pretty face.

Barbara Crampton: Oh so many horrible deaths by this scream-queen. In "Re-Animator," she is strangled by the severed arm of a corpse. In "Chopping Mall," she has her head blown off by the mall-security-system-run-amok. It was such a beautiful head, too.

Vanessa Angel: Okay...she did have it coming, but she was such a sultry character, we are still sad. The laboratory produced Saber-tooth tiger rips her to shreds in 2002's "Sabretooth."

Why do blondes die so horribly in these horror films? Actually, brunettes die just as horribly, and that will be the subject for a future blog posting. What are some of your favorite ill-fated blonde actresses/characters. Please let me know by comment or tweet to me @cjzisi.

New Reality Shows Trying to Find a Network

Not all reality shows see the light of day. A & E, Discovery, Lifetime, and HGTV can all have the opportunity to eliminate their dead weight and add one of these shows:

1) My Roommate the Squid (TLC)

2) Assistant Inventory Manager Wars (A&E)
3) Closets and Snake Pits (HGTV)
4) Diaper Genie Warriors (TLC)
5) IBS Intervention (Discovery)
6) Gretchen and Myles (Lifetime)

7) Salmonella Kitchen (Food Network)
8) Eating Pets (Food Network)

9) Peeling Scaps (Discovery)
10) Live to 24 Without Pain (QVC)

If you have ideas for new shows that top the above titles, let me know.

The Acid Spitter

The homely Bertie Arbuckle, investigative reporter for The Sun.  For almost three years she has been on an investigative assignment to identify the elusive 'Acid Spitter," and to bring his evil deeds into public light. As irony would have it, she mistakenly crossed paths with 'Metalface' instead. Having never met a women he didn't dissect, 'Metalface' made quick work of the obese Bertie. Not fond of witnesses, he utilized his rusty logging tools on the fat woman, and separated her triple chinned head from her torso.

The head of Bertie Arbuckle

Now a trophy for a maniacal fiend, Bertie's head resides in a wooden box, destined to move from one unsuspecting town to another unsuspecting town at the whims of this hulk of a fiend. Wherever nubile females ply their trades, 'Metalface' will visit. As for the 'Acid Spitter,' he laughs hysterically every time he glimpses a milk carton with Bertie's photograph on it. 

Horror Film Weapons, Part 1

Gun violence. Terrorist attacks. Even automobile or airplane crashes. Never mind cancer, heart disease, or suicide. There are many ways to die, most aren't pleasant. However, in horror films there are many more ways to die that we don't have to worry about in real life. Let us look at these causes of death that are rampant in horror films but never seem to kill anyone in real life.

1: The scythe. Yep, an agricultural tool, but even farmers can find easier ways to slaughter witnesses or enemies. Sure, a head flying through the air after a swing of this pseudo-weapon is a beautiful thing, but reality is bare of instances of scythe-murder.

2: Flame Thrower. Nothing says epic film like flame thrower. There has never been a bad film that included a flame thrower. In reality, no one is ever killed by these things. Of course, flame throwers don't kill people, people kill people.

 3: Bear Trap. In slasher films, a damsel or hunk running through the woods, fleeing a killer, always steps in a bear trap. Fatal hunting accidents usually concern rifles or drunks falling out of deer stands, never bear traps. Illegal in most places (but so is murder), the effects of these monstrosities are usually confined to warped imaginations. Even real life serial killers have eschewed using these things.

 4: Spear Gun: From the depths of the seas, we look at spear guns. Even the madcap TV show 'Gilligan's Island" utilized this weapon in a makeshift murder trial. Again, there are easier ways to kill people, especially at sea. Pushing someone overboard is still easier than aiming, controlling a trigger pull, and not jerking said trigger. True, one of the most famous deaths in that 3D 'Friday the 13th" film was when the lovely damsel got it when Jason fired the speargun at her. Incidentally, this was the scene in which the iconic Jason first put on the hockey mask.

5: The Crossbow: Okay, about ten years ago someone was murdered by a crossbow in Montreal. Other than that, no one dies by crossbow. The incident in Montreal didn't start a trend.  Other than action or horror movies, leather clad vixens or vampire hunters just don't use crossbows. Sure Rhona Mitra has never looked more feminine than when she aims to kill with a crossbow, nevertheless, even as an accessory, crossbows just don't make the cut in real life.

In another day or two I will post part 2 of this entry. If you have any ideas, just leave a comment and I may include you in this blog. Until next time, watch out for booby traps and quicksand and enjoy the other postings on this blog.

These Bright Ideas will not Work!

I know....they work in the horror movies we watch.  If the psycho, or zombie horde, or creature, or entity comes a calling...do yourself a favor, do not try these.  Yes..they look great on the silver screen, but if tried in real life...you'll be eaten.  So here we go:
Hot-wire a Car: It won't work.  Just rub the two wires together after wrecking the steering column.... easy!  Nope.  You won't be able to dent the steering column, and you won't find those two wires which are usually prominently dangling in film.  You'll die cramped on the floor below the drivers seat.

Head Shots: In "The Walking Dead" or most zombie films, no one ever misses a head shot.  You will miss.  Running, on the move, your attempt at a head shot at pursuing walkers will go astray by at least three feet.  Forget about Rick and Daryl, they are fiction.  Never mind most of these shots are fired one-handed.  Even with proper breathing, trigger pull, and two-handed....you will miss.  Also be aware that even though you hit the head, you may not damage the brain.  Put your energy in running away.

Molotov Cocktails: Not only do these always work in film, they look so cool.  These makeshift bombs illuminate the night sky while spreading gasoline or kerosene through a horde of creatures. Those of you who have gotten wet trying the Mentos-Diet Coke experiment know that these endeavors don't always go as planned. In all likelihood the horde will be laughing at you as your right arm goes up in flames or the bottle doesn't break after impacting the soft ground.

Ouija Boards: When evil spirits come calling, don't break out the Ouija Board.  No one has ever used a Ouija Board and later said, "Wow, I'm glad we thought of that, it went really well." Even in film, this strategy never works.

Leaving Shelter: You are in a mall, plenty of food, and the things can't get in.  Stay there!  Don't leave.  In 2005's "Dawn of the Dead" they all left because they did not want to die in a mall.  So they left the mall, where they were alive, and died minutes later.  Locked doors and thick walls should never be eschewed in favor of hikes though dark and unknown wilderness or overtaken cities. If you find yourself, during a zombie apocalypse, holed up in the structure pictured below....don't leave it!

Okay, these are the five ideas that will get you killed that immediately come to my mind.  If you have anymore, please let me know by commenting on this blog entry.