The Acid Spitter

The homely Bertie Arbuckle, investigative reporter for The Sun.  For almost three years she has been on an investigative assignment to identify the elusive 'Acid Spitter," and to bring his evil deeds into public light. As irony would have it, she mistakenly crossed paths with 'Metalface' instead. Having never met a women he didn't dissect, 'Metalface' made quick work of the obese Bertie. Not fond of witnesses, he utilized his rusty logging tools on the fat woman, and separated her triple chinned head from her torso.

The head of Bertie Arbuckle

Now a trophy for a maniacal fiend, Bertie's head resides in a wooden box, destined to move from one unsuspecting town to another unsuspecting town at the whims of this hulk of a fiend. Wherever nubile females ply their trades, 'Metalface' will visit. As for the 'Acid Spitter,' he laughs hysterically every time he glimpses a milk carton with Bertie's photograph on it. 

Horror Film Weapons, Part 1

Gun violence. Terrorist attacks. Even automobile or airplane crashes. Never mind cancer, heart disease, or suicide. There are many ways to die, most aren't pleasant. However, in horror films there are many more ways to die that we don't have to worry about in real life. Let us look at these causes of death that are rampant in horror films but never seem to kill anyone in real life.

1: The scythe. Yep, an agricultural tool, but even farmers can find easier ways to slaughter witnesses or enemies. Sure, a head flying through the air after a swing of this pseudo-weapon is a beautiful thing, but reality is bare of instances of scythe-murder.

2: Flame Thrower. Nothing says epic film like flame thrower. There has never been a bad film that included a flame thrower. In reality, no one is ever killed by these things. Of course, flame throwers don't kill people, people kill people.

 3: Bear Trap. In slasher films, a damsel or hunk running through the woods, fleeing a killer, always steps in a bear trap. Fatal hunting accidents usually concern rifles or drunks falling out of deer stands, never bear traps. Illegal in most places (but so is murder), the effects of these monstrosities are usually confined to warped imaginations. Even real life serial killers have eschewed using these things.

 4: Spear Gun: From the depths of the seas, we look at spear guns. Even the madcap TV show 'Gilligan's Island" utilized this weapon in a makeshift murder trial. Again, there are easier ways to kill people, especially at sea. Pushing someone overboard is still easier than aiming, controlling a trigger pull, and not jerking said trigger. True, one of the most famous deaths in that 3D 'Friday the 13th" film was when the lovely damsel got it when Jason fired the speargun at her. Incidentally, this was the scene in which the iconic Jason first put on the hockey mask.

5: The Crossbow: Okay, about ten years ago someone was murdered by a crossbow in Montreal. Other than that, no one dies by crossbow. The incident in Montreal didn't start a trend.  Other than action or horror movies, leather clad vixens or vampire hunters just don't use crossbows. Sure Rhona Mitra has never looked more feminine than when she aims to kill with a crossbow, nevertheless, even as an accessory, crossbows just don't make the cut in real life.

In another day or two I will post part 2 of this entry. If you have any ideas, just leave a comment and I may include you in this blog. Until next time, watch out for booby traps and quicksand and enjoy the other postings on this blog.

These Bright Ideas will not Work!

I know....they work in the horror movies we watch.  If the psycho, or zombie horde, or creature, or entity comes a calling...do yourself a favor, do not try these.  Yes..they look great on the silver screen, but if tried in real life...you'll be eaten.  So here we go:
Hot-wire a Car: It won't work.  Just rub the two wires together after wrecking the steering column.... easy!  Nope.  You won't be able to dent the steering column, and you won't find those two wires which are usually prominently dangling in film.  You'll die cramped on the floor below the drivers seat.

Head Shots: In "The Walking Dead" or most zombie films, no one ever misses a head shot.  You will miss.  Running, on the move, your attempt at a head shot at pursuing walkers will go astray by at least three feet.  Forget about Rick and Daryl, they are fiction.  Never mind most of these shots are fired one-handed.  Even with proper breathing, trigger pull, and two-handed....you will miss.  Also be aware that even though you hit the head, you may not damage the brain.  Put your energy in running away.

Molotov Cocktails: Not only do these always work in film, they look so cool.  These makeshift bombs illuminate the night sky while spreading gasoline or kerosene through a horde of creatures. Those of you who have gotten wet trying the Mentos-Diet Coke experiment know that these endeavors don't always go as planned. In all likelihood the horde will be laughing at you as your right arm goes up in flames or the bottle doesn't break after impacting the soft ground.

Ouija Boards: When evil spirits come calling, don't break out the Ouija Board.  No one has ever used a Ouija Board and later said, "Wow, I'm glad we thought of that, it went really well." Even in film, this strategy never works.

Leaving Shelter: You are in a mall, plenty of food, and the things can't get in.  Stay there!  Don't leave.  In 2005's "Dawn of the Dead" they all left because they did not want to die in a mall.  So they left the mall, where they were alive, and died minutes later.  Locked doors and thick walls should never be eschewed in favor of hikes though dark and unknown wilderness or overtaken cities. If you find yourself, during a zombie apocalypse, holed up in the structure pictured below....don't leave it!

Okay, these are the five ideas that will get you killed that immediately come to my mind.  If you have anymore, please let me know by commenting on this blog entry.

The Mary Celeste, Ghost Ship Mystery still Unsolved

In November of 1872, the Mary Celeste, with a crew of 10, started sail from New York City to Genoa, Italy.  The cargo?  Alcoholic beverages....no...the Mary Celeste was not owned by Carnival.  In early December 1872, the ship was found derelict, 400 miles east of the Azores. No one on board.  No signs of violence. Plenty of food and drink remained.  Oh yes...to make this a very sad story, the captain, Benjamin Briggs brought his beautiful wife Sarah and two year old daughter with them.  Over a century has passed....still no clues to what happened.

Best guess?  Some say sea monsters (my favorite theory, especially if it had tentacles)....others say pirates or a mutiny....the scientific community claims water spouts.  I have not heard UFOs or space aliens as the culprit....but let us throw that in.  On February 21st, I reviewed a Bela Lugosi film, "The Phantom Ship."  Click on this link to see the review The Phantom Ship .  This film was based on an Arthur Conan Doyle (Sherlock Holmes) story.  The theory put forth in this film is reasonable and entirely plausible.  In this film, a crew member, with a grudge against the first mate, and perhaps some sanity issues, snaps and turns killer.  The film is lurid and knowing that the beautiful Sarah will fall victim to this fiend makes it hard to watch.

The Mary Celeste will likely remain a mystery, and perhaps that is the way it should be.  The vast oceans are still as mysterious to us as outer space.  Reminders that we will never know everything may serve to keep the human race in line....to some extent, anyway.  If the Syfy Channel ever makes this into a film, you can bet a crew member won't be blamed....rather a huge tentacled beast.  I, for one, will opt for the sea monster theory.  

Mars has Flowing Oceans? .....I Doubt it!

Remember the blood moon/eclipse last week?  My wife and daughter were glued to NASA's web site to watch it.  Unfortunately, NASA's site went down.  Quickly they found the eclipse on sites of good citizens, unattached to the government.  NASA....an overly funded government agency that can't stand up a web cam to watch an eclipse.  Oh...by the way...NASA says there are flowing oceans on Mars.

The proof?  Well....they say so.  Never mind that NASA at one time told us global warming eliminated all the oceans on Mars.  Instead of a scientific agency, NASA has reduced itself to pushing over-rated Hollywood films.  No science necessary, as long as they have an opportunity to push "The Martian" which opens this fall, NASA puts out a pipe dream.

In the 1960s, President Kennedy told NASA to put men on the moon.  What did we get?  Men landing on the moon before the decade ended.  In 2009, President Obama told NASA to aggressively pursue a Muslim outreach.  What did we get?  The birth of ISIS, and non-scientific findings about flowing oceans on Mars. We've had Martian probes....no water.  Indication of frozen liquid on the polar caps, but no flowing oceans.  NASA needs to get out of the business of promoting the latest Hollywood films, and do what they were created to do.

Uncatalogued Species of Indonesia

Over the past four years, I have visited Indonesia twice.  On top of mountains in West Java, on the highways, in the tea fields, and in urban Jakarta....I've seen much of this beautiful country.  While there, having put on my cryptozoologist hat, I took the liberty of sketching some neat organisms unseen by most of the civilized world.  Sit back and enjoy the wonderment of these four of God's creatures that walk just beyond the shadows. The following sketches are direct from my travel journal.

1. Ngeri Laba-Laba

This creature grows to 50 centimeters in length.  The Ngeri Laba-Laba traps rats and small children in it's web, and drinks their blood.  Usually found in damp, dark caves, our small friend has never been photographed.

2. Menjerit Bintang

Grows to 100 centimeters tall and has been spotted in the sewers of Jakarta.  Usually a pale yellow in color, however, immediately after feeding, turns light red.   This star shaped being eats small animals and municipal employees who maintain Jakarta's sewer system.  Never photographed.

3.  Hijau Sea Serpent

Grows to 15 meters in length.  This long enigma lives in the seas near Java, but has been sighted in the South China Sea.  The Hijau Sea Serpent (known as Hiya to Jakarta school children) feeds on dolphins and SCUBA divers, and is known to sink small row boats.  More than 10,000 deaths have been attributed to attacks by this creature since 2005.  Never photographed.

4.  Sumatran Sacalog

This fellow is a simian-type being which can grow to four and a half feet tall.  This carnivore smells like a skunk and lives in caves.  The Sumatran Sacalog feasts on dogs, birds, and small children.  This species, though never photographed, has been sighted in Sumatra, West Java, and Munich, Germany.

Storsjoodjuret, Sweden's Sea Monster

In November of 2005, Sweden removed Storsjoodjuret (The Great Lake Monster) from their endangered species list.  A curious move, as it is safe to say this fine country isn't experiencing a Lake Monster infestation.  Perhaps Storsjoodjurer admirers belong to the wrong political party and this was an act of aggression by an arrogant ruling party.  Who knows?  This aquatic reptile with a dog's head, living in 300 feet of water in Lake Storsjon (near Ostersund) was first seen in 1635. This Swedish enigma is said to have fins across it's back and measure almost 20 feet in length. Some claim the fins are actually humps....I prefer the fin description.

Just before the 20th Century rolled around, King Oscar supported an expedition to capture our elusive friend.  It failed.  Ambiguous photographs and films have been shot over the years extending the debate as to..does the Storsjoodjuret really exist?  The creature was even etched on an ancient 11th Century Swedish stone (Froso Runestone), and that figure matches the witness descriptions which began in 1635.

Man's ability to compile a complete catalog of Earth's species is woeful.  Thousands of new species have been classified in the past couple of decades.  Who knows....perhaps someday Stockholm will be devoured by Storsjoodjuret just as Copenhagen was destroyed by Reptilicus in the 1960s.