Blackwater, 'Gator Bait-Lite

 'Gator Bait-Lite is a good description of our feature today. In fact, the sultry McCayne Blomberg definitely had the Claudia Jennings thing going on as she trudged through the Florida swamp in some very short shorts. Perhaps this is "Charley's Angels" meets "The Most Dangerous Game." Either way, we have four beauties, all with really nice legs who sweat a lot. When McCayne Blomberg grabs a dagger, soars through the air, and stabs a swamp rapist a dozen times...well, it was such a beautiful thing. Today we look at 2007's "Blackwater," directed by Bill Schreiber and R. Douglas Zipperer.

Four beautiful city women decide to go camping in the Everglades. They all have perfect tans, make-up application, and pearl whit teeth. Their potential swamp fiend rapists smell bad, have ugly teeth, and have never seen women as sultry as these four. Angie (Georgia Chris) is a divorcee who carries a mean crossbow...yes! Now that's a woman! Megan (Amy SImon) who gives us a nice shower and lingerie scene, is a recent widow determined to make it home to her daughter safely. Kat...well...think Claudia Jennings. Then Brooke (Jenny Robinson), the pretty blonde will be the first object of desire for the rapist/killers.

As the three swamp fiends attack Brooke and Kat, all looks bleak. Their smelly man organs probably have swamp moss on them. Angie and her crossbow come to the rescue. With one shot, Bubba (Raymond Scoggins), yes Bubba, is skewered. The four babes flee deeper into the Everglades. Now swamp fiends Tuck (Tony Salsberg) and Bear (John Kyle) pursue. The poor ladies, this is not their territory. The fiends catch up and fire a shotgun round into Angie's beautifully tanned leg. Now the three are chased deeper into the Everglades as their crossbow woman is disabled. Megan man's up and grabs a shotgun and a new attitude. Kat, oh yes, no spoilers here, but her flying dagger attack on Bear is so priceless. All out war between the four city babes and the smelly swamp fiends is such beautiful cinema.

Do our feisty femmes have any shot at getting out of the Everglades alive? Do Bear and Tuck plan to kill the babes, or impregnate them to further on their miserable seed? How about this Kat babe, and her Claudia Jennings heroics...why doesn't anyone put her in more swamp woman exploitation films? For a frivolous movie watching experience where four sultry dolls are put in much peril from smelly swamp fiends, watch "Blackwater."

To the Limit, The Mob, The CIA, and a Naked Anna Nicole Smith

A complicated plot that may be more enjoyable if you don't try to understand it. Yes, we have a naked Anna Nicole Smith satisfying herself in showers, baths, and wild sex...but we also have gunfights, a massacre at a wedding, a naked oily Asian babe-assassin, and more gratuitous nudity. Today we feature 1995's "To the Limit." Tom Clancy became a bore as Hollywood co-opted him...so here is a tale of renegade spies and the nymphomaniacs that love them. 

Frank (Joey Travolta) is at the altar with his bride Lupe (Rebecca Ferratti). A hit team arrivers and massacres everyone. Simultaneously, Colette (Smith) is satisfying herself in a gratuitous bath scene just before she has wild sex with a CIA guy (Michael Nouri). The assassinations continue as the CIA guy is blown up and Colette is wounded. Uh oh for the bad guys, Frank recovers. Uh oh again for the bad guys...Colette recovers. Frank is a mob guy and the entire mob is now bent on revenge...as is CIA operative Colette. Oh yeah...the bad guy...CIA maniac Jameson (Jack Bannon).

More assassins, including a pretty nurse and an Asian UNLV babe will continue the carnage. As Frank and the mob fight back, Jameson is also on the run. Colette and Frank, old friends, will meet up to kill attacking assassins and have some wild post-marital sex. I guess neither one believed in long periods of mourning. A full blown war between the mob and Jameson will see a lot of gunfights, car chases, and gratuitous nudity. Uh oh...as Colette and Frank team up, there is indication that perhaps their trust in each other is misplaced.

Exactly what does Jameson want? You know, the film goes into this but do yourself a favor and ignore this plot device. If Anna Nicole Smith starred in some of these Tom Clancy bore-athons instead of Harrison Ford, would we actually want to watch those over rated films? With the gratuitous nudity and self-satisfaction of Anna Nicole Smith as plot devices...does it really matter if Colette ends up being the 'good-guy' or 'bad-guy'? For some excitement featuring gratuitous nudity, explosions, and gunfights...enjoy this Richard Martino film, "To the Limit." 

Rage to Kill, Nude Coeds Win Revolution

It was such a beautiful thing to behold. A maniacal Oliver Reed hovering over a mansion. Laughing hysterically, as he watches bikini babes sunning by the pool. He then mows them all down with a machine gun. No, not the sequel to "Ordinary People," but the epic war film..."1988's "Rage to Kill."  Gritty 1980s reality will be thrown at us in the form of sultry coeds in gratuitous aerobic scenes, nude shower scenes, and pre-marital sex scenes. For you ladies, the shirtless and sweaty James Ryan will grunt a lot. 

American racecar driver Blaine (Ryan) heads to a small Caribbean island where General Turner (Reed) has overthrown the weak government. At stake is Blaine's brother, the worthless Glenn (Liam Cundill). Blaine is captured immediately, stripped of his shirt, made to sweat, and grunts while being tortured. He'll escape and join up with CIA agent Miller (Cameron Mitchell). Meanwhile, the General's forces invade the medical college and invade the women's shower and aerobics classes. Blaine goes there too and recruits some nubile babes to help him overthrow the evil General. Sultry reporterette Trishia (Maxine John) will also be brought there. She's worthless to the plot except when she strips and has passionate pre-marital sex with Blaine in the island surf.

Uh oh...General Turner has Soviet nuclear missiles delivered to the island. Meanwhile, the babe medical students, Blaine, and CIA agent Miller hook up with a benign rebel force headed by Willie (Henry Cele).  There will be partying, dancing, love in the surf...and then a full frontal assault on General Turner's forces. The coeds and the reporterette will look quite alluring as they clutch and fire machineguns. Now Blaine grunts more, Miller yells more, and Willie yaps about the price of freedom (Yawn!). All out war ensues and the beautiful perform brilliantly and Blaine will sweat nicely. 

Explosions, nudity, and grunting will be propelled at you in this dramatized version of President Reagan's liberation of Grenada. Oliver Reed is fantastic as the evil general and it is nice to see him in threesomes, whether it be in a jacuzzi or in bed. Those of you who are fortunate to have seen "Kiana's Flex Appeal" will appreciate the gratuitous aerobics class portrayed in this film. For some gratuitous fun and gritty reality, see "Rage to Kill," directed by David Winters.

Warrior Queen, Eruptions and Virgins

What exactly was going on in Pompeii in 79 A.D., before Mount Vesuvius erupted? Can a virgin be raped more than once? Important questions. As Mount Rainier gets ready to bury Seattle and as sorority girls attempt to redefine virginity, we will take a look at a Sybil Danning (not a virgin) film, 1987's "Warrior Queen."

Queen Berenice (Danning) is coming to visit Pompeii...the Cleveland of the Roman Empire. Her convoy will be attacked by highwaymen and she will kill all the attackers. Yep...bad a** queen. She'll arrive and instantly be bored and repulsed by her host Clodius (Donald Pleasance) and his neglected and nymphomaniac wife Philomena (Samantha Fox). Captured slaves then arrive in Pompeii for auction. Virgin Vespa (Tally Chanel) is everyone's darling and will have some gratuitous and humiliating nude scenes. Male and female, everyone who sees Vespa rapes her. Still, the virgin Vespa holds out hope for the right man. Enter Marcus (Rich Hill), a charioteer. Vespa wants him and he wants the virgin. So does everyone else and Vespa will continue being groped and raped. Berenice will take pity on Vespa and try to help her. Meanwhile, the love starved Philomena also desires Marcus.

Marcus desires many women, but not Philomena. Berenice often rises to the aid of slave girls being raped and groped by killing their attackers. Goliath (Marco Tullio Cau), a brute charioteer arrives and rapes the virgin Vespa, setting up a deadly showdown with Marcus. Berenice tries to help Vespa and so does slave beauty Veneria (Suzanna Smith). Veneria will also be raped a lot, but there are no virgin claims from her. Uh oh...Mount Vesuvius is rumbling. As the dueling charioteers fight for the virgins they lust for, and as Berenice murders Roman rapists, complete ruination of a misogynistic and brutal civilization may be imminent.

Just how long can the sultry and erotic Vespa hang on to the 'virgin' tag? Is the depiction of the Mount Vesuvius eruption a prescient foretelling of next year's Mount Rainier eruption that will bury Seattle? Did Roman queens really look like Sybil Danning? For a lot of cheese and beef, with some gratuitous and brutal plot devices, enjoy "Warrior Queen," directed by Chuck Vincent.